Max the Mercenary: Zombies at Hogwarts
by Dragonkiller
Summary: Max the mercenary and partner, me, go to Hogwarts because zombies are attacking. Why, i have no clue. Rated pg-13 for language and violence
1. The message

This is my first Max the Mercenary fic, look for others if you like this one. I own every character in this story that doesn't attend Hogwarts or work there.  
  
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It was a dark and stormy night, and Max was on the phone with a possible client, if he took another job. "I need your help, Max" the guy on the phone said. "There are a hoard of the ugliest undead zombies headed for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry".  
  
"Is this about the Zombie part or the ugly part" replied Max, unsure of how to proceed. "What exactly do you want me to do"?  
  
"Somehow, I don't care how, get rid of them, I don't care if they breach the school, but remember, the magic the wizards and witches use won't have a long-lasting effect on them, you have to really get them". Then he hung up.  
  
"TIM, WE GOT A JOB!" Max shouted defiantly. He hadn't had had a job in a really long time, and was really hoping for one. Tim came down, looking happy. "Have you ever heard of a Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry", he asked.  
  
"Yes, I have but it's really hard to get in, we may have some work to do," Tim said. Tim was Max's partner and apprentice. He had a knack or using a gun, and was thought by some to be a Necromage, someone who could predict the future. "What day is it?"  
  
"August 17th" Max replied, unsure why this had any importance. He was like that a lot. "Why does that matter?"  
  
"A train going non-stop to Hogwarts leaves on September 7th every year. It is extremely important that we catch this train, or our assignment goes down the shit." Tim said, noticing a small tension building in the conversation.  
  
"Then we have 3 weeks before the train leaves, so that should give us plenty of time to get ready", Max said. Tim noticed the tension leave.  
  
"What exactly.is the mission anyway?" Tim asked this question with mixed feelings.  
  
"Zombies are threatening to take over Hogwarts and we are being paid about 30grand to prevent this" Max realized at this point the undead were not easy opponents. They would take massive hard hitting to fall. Luckily, this is where Tim relieved that.  
  
"Good, I'm a Zombie expert, I can teach you in about a week anything someone would need to know about killing Zombies". Tm began a small chuckle, knowing how he would teach Max.  
  
"How would teach me?" Max asked, confused again.  
  
"You want to know? Fine, when not on a mission, I play Timesplitters 2, one of my favorite shooting games. Zombies are featured in it, and I never go through a non-busy day without shooting off a few heads at Notre Dame. I suspect that real Zombies shouldn't be much different."  
  
"For the sake of the mission, I hope you're right" Max said.  
  
"Don't worry, it's two people with.brains" Tim stopped there. "I wonder if these zombies are more like the brain-dead ones or the ones with somewhat of a brain." Tim stood there and suddenly left, then shouted from the adjacent room "come on, we have work to do."  
  
"All right, but I'm hungry, let's eat"  
  
"OK, but our schedule is pretty tight"  
  
"I know"  
  
So after enjoying Chinese food for about 40 minutes, they decided to begin to form a plan.  
  
"We need to somehow infiltrate the train somehow without being seen" Tim said.  
  
"We just simply walk up to them and tell them we're zombie hunters trying to save the school" Max replied confidently, thinking this would work.  
  
"I can give you 3 good reasons why that wouldn't work" Tim replied.  
  
"Then let's hear them" Max said with tension building  
  
"1. They wouldn't start the train if the kids were in danger 2. They wouldn't let us on without a ticket anyway 3. We're, in their language, muggles"  
  
"So what do you suppose we do about transportation?" Max asked.  
  
"We perch on the roof where no one would think of looking, then hop off when everyone's gone." Tim replied, sounding victorious.  
  
"And going through the school?" Max asked.  
  
". . ." Tim didn't have a response for this.  
  
"Just as I thought, this can't be done, we'll have to resign from this assignment" Max said, defeated.  
  
Tim stood up very suddenly, shocking Max. He had a death glare in his eyes. "This assignment is too good to pass up, we can find a way, even if it means exposing ourselves." He said very confidently. He then sat down again, awaiting a response.  
  
"WHAT!" Max said with anger. "WE CAN'T EXPOSE OURSELVES, IT'S WAY TOO RISKY!" Max then had a stroke of brilliance pass his way. "This is what we do. You pass us off as the co-teachers for a Necromancy class. People say you're somewhat of a necromage, this could work, we do that and not during classes we hunt".  
  
"No, that would be a problem, they'd kill if they found out what we were doing, and the mission goes down the shit." Then Tim had a stroke of brilliance. "We plant security cameras around the school and camp out outside and make sure that the zombies remain at bay." Tim stopped, realizing he was preaching again.  
  
"That brilliant, that might just work, but can we hammer out the details tomorrow, I need some sleep". Max yawned after saying that.  
  
"Sure Max, in fact I'll join you. Good night."  
  
"Good night". And at that, Tim and Max went into their beds and rested for tomorrow.  
  
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Well, that was long and frustrating, but I'm glad it's out.  
  
Review, but don't mock me, I had to really think this up.  
  
Also, I don't know what the length of future chapters will be, so bear with me. 


	2. Not the message, a message

No one reviewed the first, so for those who reviewed this chapter and not the first one-WHERE THE F WERE YOU BEFORE! OK, that left my system, ON WITH THE STORY!  
  
It was two days after the phone call about the zombies. Tim was making sure everything to deal with attacking the zombies was taken care of and Max was making sure they got there and were prepared for the worst. You know, taking food and weapons, but more importantly weapons. Without weapons, you can't fight a band of drooling, spitting zombies that walk like Frankenstein and bitch-slap people. But everything was being taken care of, it seemed like nothing would get in their way.  
  
"Hey, Tim, what sort of weapons would work best about zombies?" Max wanted to know, he was confused, as always. Even though he was the boss, Tim was sort of the brains behind the operation.  
  
"I don't know, but I've been thinking about attacks. To avoid too many casualties, we should avoid bringing machine guns and shotguns. Pistols and sniper rifles would work well, those are much easier to control" Tim said with a look that told Max "listen to me or we'll lose the fight".  
  
"Well, you're the boss" Max said. At the time, he was thinking "I need the money".  
  
"We should leave early, though, so we can get a reasonable flight to London." Tim said, completely changing the subject.  
  
"I'll go on priceline and get reasonable tickets" Max started to leave, but was stopped immediately by Tim.  
  
"Airport Security. Shit, we'll never get these weapons across Airport Security. Oh well, the mission is over, and our $30,000 dollars has been washed away." Tim looked defeated, and at that point, the phone rang.  
  
"I'll get it" Max said with a fake smile across his face.  
  
Max picked up the phone and heard the same guy that asked him to take the mission. "I don't have much time. In two days you will receive two flight tickets and instructions on what to do at the airport. I need to go".  
  
"Well, that was oddly convenient" Max shrugged.  
  
"That always happens to the good guy" Tim said "but you never asked for the guy's name".  
  
Max looked like a complete idiot at that point. "I should, then we can ease the $30G out of him after we're done with the Zombie thing." They both broke out laughing.  
  
"Are all of the preparations ready?"  
  
"Yes, master, soon everything will be ready for the invasion."  
  
"Good, soon, the world will recognize the potential of our army and we will arise as the leaders of the WORLD! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"  
  
"Shall I ready the troops?"  
  
"Soon, I want to give them my speech I planned out for a little motivation."  
  
"I shall enjoy your speech, it will probably be the most powerful speech I have ever heard"  
  
The following night was a restless one for Max, even though Tim slept like a log. He kept having dreams about the zombies and waking up in the middle of the night. It was very strange of him to have even one dream, let alone be restless. He thought it was just apprehension, but he didn't know they would have a chance of actually happening.  
  
The next day, not much got done. Tim got a 102 fever last night, and Max was too worried about his dreams. Actually, they weren't dreams, they were visions of things to come. He saw armies of undead, heads flying, and a lot of other gruesome stuff. Luckily, all of these visions were in him and Tim's favor, so it was a good dream.  
  
Next morning was a good morning and day for the pair. Tim was feeling better, and Max got the letter with all the information. Also, Max got a new shipment of high-powered rifles from his friend Luke, who worked at a local gun shop.  
  
"YES, IT CAME" Max yelled with happiness  
  
"What is it" Tim responded questioningly  
  
"The letter came" Max replied, still happy  
  
"Nice" Tim replied. You read it, I'm gonna go listen to The Who.  
  
"You do that" he said. Tim left, and he opened the letter and read it to himself. It was relatively short, and had everything he needed. Finally, they were ready to take on the zombies. They had the smarts, the weapons, the technology, all they needed to do now was to wait.  
  
Thanks to everyone that reviewed, now DO IT AGAIN! Bye  
  
Max: I kill  
  
You kill squat until later  
  
Max: %$%#$%$%$#%%&#%$%%&&$#$ 


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